Day 1

So today was basically the first day of my positive thinking exercise! I'm not going to lie, I had my moments of doubt and negativity, but all in all I kept positive because positive attracts positive! (like negative attracts negative)
Most of the day I've spent in my room watching movies on netflix or playing Words with Friends with my cousin's husband or listening to music! That always seems to relax me the most! I've also learned that meditating is really helpful. When I meditate I visualize what it is that I want to be given! I make myself feel what I would be actually feeling as I receive what I want! It always helps because it relaxes me and takes me to a happy place. If you've never tried to meditate and visualize I truly suggest it! It feels wonderful after. I just lay in bed, relaxed. I clear my mind and I lay my arms out with my palms face up receiving what ever it is that I'm asking for. I notice that I tend to smile a lot while I'm doing my visualizations! It feels great and it helps me remain positive throughout the day!

To Change or Not to Change?!?! That is the Question!

Three times this week! Wednesday, Thursday and Friday! I saw him all three days and it was fun! We hung out but just as friends and I think thats what made it fun! I think I'm starting to realize that maybe I just want him as a friend! I can't sit around and wait for him to decide what he wants especially if I feel like he's lying to me! Things have changed completely in the past month or so! Some days for the better and somedays not so much! I don't want to waste my time and pass up someone who may love me unconditionally now! It's not fair to me! I don't want him to feel like I'm holding him back either! Things have to change and if they don't by the time he gets his kid back then I'm done! It's over! I'm moving on! As hard as it's going to be I can't let him keep doing this to me. I'm not that type of girl! I stopped being that girl a long time ago! I'm not going back to someone who I didn't like being! As much as I love him and his child, things will not go back to being that way! Not now, not ever. I value myself too much to be that girl again! I know I can do this. I just have to be strong. I've done it before and I can do it again! Things will be better for me. I know it will! I'm going to be positive!

Patience and Positivity!!!!

Just started reading this book and just a few pages in and I already feel changed! All day I've been talking myself through things and telling myself not to worry just to stay positive! I've felt it working! I'm not getting myself all worked up over petty things that don't matter, yet! I have to accept the fact that I can't change anyone but myself! People shouldn't be obligated to change for me! They should want to do it because they want to and out of love! But patience is key! We have to be patient and wait for them to want to change on their own and because they're ready! I know eventually we'll be together, but I'm in no hurry! I've decided that all I'm going to do is be his friend! I'm not going to text him unless he texts me! I think that's whats best for the both of us! He needs to be able to go out and have a good time and not be worried about any consequences! I'm not the one who should be disciplining him! I'm not his mother, I'm his friend, his ROCK! I love him but I'm not going to take anyones bullshit anymore! I need to be happy and the only person who can make me happy is ME!!!!

"You're my rock"

So this weekend was pretty freakin amazing!!! It was full of family time and even some time with him (not gonna refer to him as a bf or lover or significant other because he's not) Friday I spent the day with my sisters and the kids. It was fun! We were just sitting around watching tv and talking crap on each other like always. Saturday i was going to go see my "adopted nephew" but he kind of flaked so I called my favorite cousin ever and luckily she was in anaheim (a block away from him) so I got to hang out with her and Carlos and the gay gang! Those guys are awesome! I had such a good time. Then I text him because I was already pretty drunk and I told him I wanted a little piece of him! LOL ok its not little but you know what I mean. So I pick him up and he hangs out with us. The guys start talking to him and seem rather fond of him, especially Gerardo! :) But he tells me he loves me again! And at one point Carlos tells him to give me a passionate kiss and he does and it was amazing. I mean it was one of those kisses that take your breath away! Just thinking about it gives me chills and butterflies! So anyways we leave and he's kinda upset that Laura was giving him shit but it was for good reason. He does have that demeanor where he thinks his shit doesn't stink. I think he got it though and he relaxed! So we have an amazing time and then we start talking and i tell him that I don't like to be strung around! and he tells me that I'm his rock! I'm his support and that he loves me! I almost died at this point! I'm falling for him more and more as time goes by but I need to have my guard up and he needs to see that i'm not going to be there waiting for him while he goes out and whores around. Those days are gone for me! So we'll see what happens! I'm on cloud nine right now!

Just when I think things are going to change...

....he goes and does this to me! I mean really, does he think that I'm going to believe that he's texting me and I'm not getting his messages. That's never happened before. NEVER! Do I really look that stupid to him? Just the day before he told me that he loved me! He told me I was one of his priorities! I know that I just need to relax and take it easy with this whole situation. Afterall, it was me that told him to enjoy and take advantage of the opportunity he's been given of not having his son with him right now. I know he misses him to pieces but this time without him should help him get all this out of his system until he gets his stability back. Why do I keep blaming myself for whats going on? It's always been like that with him though. I start to feel bad for him and then I feel guilty for thinking everything I'm thinking and then there I go again, kissing his ass! Ugh! I'm just aggravated, and this aggravation consumes me completely. It takes over me and depresses me and I just want to be left alone. I end up being mean to everyone that loves me until I hear from him again, and then I'm back to normal. (whatever normal is) I dont know what to do, but getting it off my chest and just writing (typing) it all out is making me feel better. I just dont want to talk to any of my family and friends about it because I dont want them to judge me and what I'm doing. I feel stupid as it is, to let them make me feel stupid. Just the look on their faces alone would probably kill me! I feel heartbroken! I feel like I'm falling apart! I feel like I'm not me anymore! I don't want to feel this way! I was fine without him! Why can't I be fine with him? I need help!